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Monday, 06 July 2009

Bullying

Bullying is everywhere.
Yes, everywhere. In homes; in schools; hell, you can walk into a fucking fast food place full of strangers and get bullied. Bullying is more common than murder and rape combined and leaves scars just as painful on the victim and their family and friends, and yet bullying is not even regarded as a crime; merely a minor inconvience that it is assumed many people will have to deal with at some point in their lives.
But we must give bullying the credit it deserves. Like murder, bullying has taken lives. Like rape, bullying has permanently scarred its victims; stealing from them their pride, their self-worth, their carefreeness, their joy, and in many cases their ability to function and deal with everyday life. Verbal abuse leaves no physical wounds; no scrapes, cuts, bruises, or broken bones. The scars from verbal abuse can be found on the victim's heart. Almost every single person in existence has dealt with some form of verbal abuse. Some people can brush it off and pretend it was never said. Some lash out and insult the abuser back and then move on. It is nearly impossible to go through your entire life without recieving a negative comment at some point. But there are some cases of bullying where the victims have to face their abusers every day and experience verbal antagonism on a daily basis. There are students, both boys and girls, who dread going to school and facing their bullies. Boys and girls who suffer sleepless nights and tear-filled days from the torture that daily life presents them. Boys and girls who practice self-harm, abuse drugs, alcohol, or sex, or run away from home due to the self-hatred instilled in them by their tormentors. Boys and girls who plan their suicide and write heart-wrenching suicide notes citing the many people who have abused them in their lifetime; claiming that if only people could have had a little more compassion, been a little more thoughtful and a little less selfish, they would not have taken this way out. Boys and girls who have successfully taken their lives.
I know. I've been down that road and back, and down that road again. I have friends who have been down that road. I've witnessed it, been a bystander of it, tried to intervene in it, at times possibly contributed to it, and most of the time have had to suffer it. I have witnessed far more antagonism that I have compassion. I have experienced far more negativity than I have kindness. And I have the dark circles under my eyes and dark poems as a souvenir of my journey. I want to say I've become a stronger, better person thanks to my suffering. I want to say that verbal abuse has equipped me with the mental tools I needed to prove my abusers wrong about everything they were saying and to motivate myself to achieve everything in spite of their doubt and lack of faith in me. But I don't think I'm ready to say that. I still grieve for how bright and hopeful the world used to look through my nine-year-old eyes. I grieve for the innocence and self-confidence I once possessed; the possibility that, yes, I can do anything, and, yes, I am beautiful. My 'bullies' have taken that spirit away from me. I got something taken from me by force that I truly cherished and I am unsure if or how I can get it back. If people are persecuted for other crimes of taking by force, such as rape and robbery, please tell me how something so vile can be so quickly dismissed. This is not to downplay the pain of being raped/robbed. But as a victim of verbal abuse, I too mourn and grieve over something so precious to me that was taken without my permission.
Still don't believe that bullying takes lives? Check out Jared's story at http://www.jaredstory.com/assault.html. The story itself is quite long, so if you've got the time, grab yourself something to eat and read it through. If you don't have the time, long story short is that the school bully drove this 13-year-old boy to suicide and the school did absolutely nothing to stop the bullying. The last paragraph reads:
We see on the news many examples of what angry boys can do to fellow classmates. It totally amazes me that a young man, such as [the school bully] could be so brutal, which sadly ended in the death of his victim a few months later by bullycide. But what is worse, is paying out good tax dollars to send a child to a School District who cares so little about the physical safety or psychological welfare of a child. This School District would rather pass blame on a child rather than face the consequences of their actions. One can only pray that things will change for the better before getting much worse.
Amen to that. Schools do absolutely NOTHING to stop bullying besides maybe an annual schoolwide assembly with a guest speaker that drones on and on about loving your fellow classmate. Well, that does SHIT for the bullying problem in my school, and everyone walks out complaining about what a waste of time the assembly was and then goes on to antagonize the next person they feel like antagonizing. Seriously, hand the mic to someone who knows their shit. Hand it to a survivor. Hand it to me.
Please look at this beautiful boy. His eyes remind me of the guy I'm interested in.
The stories of other victims of suicide caused by bullying are posted on Jared's site. There are a total of eighteen victims of 'bullycide', nine girls and nine boys, whose stories can be accessed through http://www.jaredstory.com/bully.html. Each story is accompanied by a picture and there is not one unattractive face in the bunch
Desire Dreyer committed suicide at age 16 after many instances of bullying and harrassment by a vicious group of girls. Her mother writes:
I just wish for a half of a second the school administration and the bullies could see how it feels to be in my shoes, to make yourself get out of bed everyday by the grace of God and go into Desire’s bed room just to hope that maybe, just maybe this has all been a bad dream, but then only to see that she is not there. Our house is so empty, her laughter that was once is no more, quite often I find I cannot take the silence. There is a heavy weight that is a constant on my shoulders. I die inside over and over everyday. I see her and think about her in everything I say and do. There is no rhyme or reasoning left in my life. Things that mattered before don't even have a place in my life anymore. The only thing that keeps me going at this point is I know that some day I will see her again.
If only I can instill the pain of this childless mother in every abuser around the world; into the hearts of my own abusers, so they can see the pain they cause their victims and their families.
Kristina Calco, age fifteen. 4.0 GPA. JV Cheerleader. Placed 3rd in the 2003 State Forensics Tournament. In my eyes, absolutely stunning. In her own eyes, inferior. Ugly.
Kristina wrote in her suicide note:
"I knew I was always the ugly one. Don't say that's a lie because you don't know what some kids have said and done. It hurts to think about how mean some people could be. Even when I started to look a little better, they still couldn't see.”
Sounds familiar. Her words are very close to home for me
In a saved AIM conversation to a friend, Kristina wrote:
“You should have heard what they said to me in middle school. It was awful. I felt like crying.
Everyday this boy would tell me I was ugly and nasty, and then he got other people to say it too. It was torture and a living hell.”
“Everyone I've ever liked has always rejected me for reasons of ‘God, you are so ugly’ or ‘I’d never go out with you’.”
In a seventh grade journal entry, Kristina wrote:
“The only reason I even bother to tell my sad sob story is that someday the public might know what a teenage girl goes through. So as you know nice guys finish last... well it might as well be nice girls finish last, too”.
I WILL make the public know what a teenager goes through. I WILL make a difference, someday, in the lives of people just like me around the world, people just like Jared, Desire and Kristina. And I WILL save lives and spread MY story. No, it did not and will not end in suicide. But if I can extend a hand to someone who has fallen so many times due to their abusers constantly tripping them, maybe I can save a life. And if I can save a life, I will stay alive JUST to tell my story. Because I am a survivor.

Check out these other links:
http://www.meganmeierfoundation.org/story/ - (well-known story about a girl who was harrassed over myspace)
http://abclocal.go.com/wabc/story?section=news/education&id=6080573 - ("Research shows that girls who are frequently victims of bullies were 32 times more likely to be depressed and 10 to 12 times more likely to think about or attempt suicide compared to girls not affected by bullying. ")

Thursday, 02 July 2009

Trust

Trust is a very special thing. Trust is the ultimate gift you can give a person; beyond love, beyond sympathy, beyond companionship. All these things could be given to a person without you giving them your trust. Trust does not come as a package deal with love; you can feel strong devotion and attraction to a person but still be wary of their intentions. I have had trust issues since I was old enough to understand the importance of trust. I have given people endless doses of my love, sympathy and companionship, but trust is a gift I bestow upon very few. In the past I have been hurt countless times. Most of these people did not have my trust (though all believed that they did) but there were a few that I trusted and relied on who severely let me down.
Last weekend I was let down with someone I was beginning to trust. The anger has not yet faded, but the wisdom I have gained from the experience is beginning to set in. Long story short, this girl, being one of my close friends, hooked up with the guy I've liked for nine months. I understand that life is one big competition, and the winner takes it all, but what really gets me is that she was drunk and did not feel for him what I've felt for him every night for the past 270 or so nights. What made the whole situation worse was that she continued to rub it in.
In high school, its helpful to realize right off the bat that many (not all) of the people you will meet will instinctively pursue self-preservation. Most of these people are not out to get you specifically or inclined to deliberately hurt you; these people have just not yet reached the maturity level where they can put others needs before their own, even when it's the right thing to do. It makes people feel better about themselves when others are unhappy with their lives or brought down; even I have had to push aside such feelings. Like I pointed out, life is one big competition, and in the race to the finish line to win a big marathon, every runner cracks a smile when they pass a slower runner or another participant gets disqualified. The runners aren't all evil or ill-intentioned; they are simply pursuing the happiness that everyone is entitled to in America. This is not to say that some aren't evil; there are many that will trip other runners and deliberately bring them down. But this is all in pursuit of their own selfish desires; to claim what they feel is rightfully theirs whether or not the claim is legitimate.
I've been verbally abused more times than I feel anyone should have to experience. I also know that I am just one of the many victims that my abusers will assault throughout their lifetime in order to satiate their desires and give in to the natural human impulse to seek power over others and act selfishly. This truly is a dog-eat-dog world, although dogs, I'm sure, treat each other much more kindly. I recently reestablished a friendship with a friend I met last year and we have been discussing quite often how our faith in humanity has dwindled to almost nothing. There is a boy who goes to my school who graduated this year. He is a very good-hearted person; not one of the many that bring others down to establish their place in a social caste system that is only existent in the immature power-hungry minds of many high schoolers. He is also slightly autistic and although people tend to be friendly towards him, he does not have many friends.
Anyway, the friend I was describing earlier, let's call her Z, knows this boy, X, through family connections. Last week was his graduation party. Almost the entire senior grade was invited. Only about five people showed up. In our school, many people have their graduation parties on the same day but everyone tries to make an appearance at each one, even if its only for half an hour. It's hard to explain, but at some point, everyone sees everyone. Some even leave their own parties to make appearances at others and share their congratulations. But this goodhearted boy did not get to experience what other seniors his age are experiencing thanks to the selfishness of others; the desire to make appearances at parties where, certainly, they would be in the company THEY wanted to keep. X has made an effort all year to be friendly to everyone and has gone out of his way to smile at anybody he passes in the hallway, even me, a random freshman who is unremarkable in every sense of the word. If the students in this extremely affluent community, all of whom, might I add, own functional cars, could have driven maybe a mile or two out of their way to just stop by and congratulate him on making it through high school (which is an accomplishment I believe deserves far more than simple congratulations), then it wouldn't have made his day, it wouldn't have made his week, it probably would have made his fucking Summer. Who in the fucking world wouldn't want to make someone's day if it's within their power? The only answer I can possibly offer is that people are too busy trying to make their own days.
I try to be as friendly a person as possible. But there will always be people rejecting my gift of companionship. The other day I went to a grad party and sat down next to a girl who seemed lonely. The minute I sat down and introduced myself, she immediately starting texting, and I was able to see that she had written "this girl just sat down next to me and i want her to go away".
I was taken aback by the rudeness. I thought I was going out of my way to make her day a little brighter, but apparently she didn't want the brightening. However, I dealt with the situation as maturely as possible and laughed it off. She apologized, but her selfishness was completely unneccessary. Many teenagers have an uncontrollable need to be negative about others. It would have been much easier for this girl to not waste the minute or so it probably took to text the message and just leave her phone in her pocket, but she could not control the desire to gain what must have been sympathy she was trying to provoke from her friend. But sympathy is meant to be gifted, not asked for or forced out of a person.
Anyway, going back to the first situation I discussed with the guy I like and my "friend", I am truly and genuinely hurt, but I also truly and genuinely understand. There is nothing I really have to offer this guy and I would just be a liability to everything he wants to achieve. And another thing about most people; they can't stand liabilities. Anything that stands in their way must be eliminated as quickly as possible and its even better if no trace is left behind. I can't take it personal that he doesn't want me in his life because in the past there are people that I have eliminated from my life because I saw them as a hindrance to my self-fulfillment. Again, the pursuit of happiness is a natural human instinct and it exists within everyone. It is not something that should be squelched, but it is also not something that should be used as an excuse to hurt other people. The pursuit of happiness is a beautiful thing, and if this world were a Utopia, we would most certainly triumph in all our pursuits. However, our world is most certainly not a Utopia and humanity is far too corrupt for it to ever be. There is no one powerful enough to instill the values that I have developed through my suffering in such a large number of people. There is no one influential enough to convince the population that the truest form of self-fulfillment is letting go of selfish desires and straying from your pursuit of happiness in order to help someone who has fallen on their path to theirs. Extend a hand to the fallen runner instead of laughing as you pass them. Although it may prevent you from crossing the finish line first, you can be sure you won't be crossing it alone =)
Trust is a gift. Give it to the people who wouldn't trade it for the world.

Thursday, 21 May 2009

Choices

If you could graph out a person's life, it would look something like this:

and so on and so forth with the branches, the first branch representing the person's birth and each successive branch representing a conscious choice in that person's life. Due to the limited availability of space, I was only able to draw two choices branching out from each previous choice, but there can be three, four, or even twenty different options in certain circumstances. So in theory, anyone's life could have turned out drastically different from the one they are currently living. There are trillions upon trillions of different ways a person could have lived their life. So, also in theory, couldn't every single person truly achieve the life they so desperately desire? Sure, its a one in a trillion chance to make all the right choices leading up to an exact replica of the life you've been dreaming of, and one or two wrong choices can throw you completely off course, but I think it's in everyone's power. I do not believe in fate or destiny. I believe in being granted full control of your life from the moment you are able to make a conscious decision. This is not to say I believe that at any point in your life you can turn it around and make it the way you want it; I feel that you had to have made the right choices from the very beginning in order to put yourself on the right path that will eventually lead up to achievement of whatever you want. So I'm not saying that someone who's been in a clinical depression for five years, degraded and antagonized by the majority of their classmates, and unwanted by the male population can suddenly make a right choice and wake up the next morning with the life of their dreams; I'm saying that the horrible life could have been avoided all together had the right choices been made from the very start.

Think of it like this, and this is going to be a dumb example anyway, but bear with me: Say you run into a guy you've never met before at a party, you both hit it off, start dating, fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after and all that fun stuff. Some people might say cutely "oh it was fate that you two met! You were destined to be together!" This couldn't be more false, in my opinion (I am not trying to denounce any believers of fate). If you accomplished this wonderful scenario, you deserve a good pat on the back, because you made all the right, necessary choices leading up to getting invited to this party (which probably included making friends with the person who threw the party), you CHOSE to go (when you could have stayed home or chose to do something else), and you CHOSE to make contact with him (sure, he could have made contact first, but you chose to not be shy and awkward) and during the initial conversation with him you CHOSE (maybe unconsciously) all the right things to say, which may have sounded like the wrong or stupid things to say at the time you said them, but they obviously turned him on. The truth is, if you didnt put yourself out there and created the right circumstances for yourself, you probably would NEVER have met him, because you were not DESTINED to meet him. Nobody is DESTINED to meet anybody. If you decided to not to go this party (let's say for the sake of this example he goes to another school) you probably would have never known he existed, and there is a possibility that you would make more choices that would put you on ANOTHER path to meeting him (maybe you have a lacrosse game at his school and he's watching in the bleachers?), but not EVERY SINGLE PATH YOU TAKE would have led you to meeting him. Your succession of choices led you to achieve what you truly desired in life, if what you truly desired is the perfect guy (there are many other circumstances I can create using this philosophy, I just like guys a lot :D)
But let's say you did not go to this party; let's say you COULD not because you weren't invited. Because you didn't choose to be friends with this particular people (or should I say, made the choices leading up to becoming friends with them). Let's say you got invited to another party, with another group of people, and you met a completely different guy who ended up rocking your world and you marry him...or you date him and he turns out to be a complete douchebag and ruins your happiness and reputation (that by the way is HIS choice of whether or not to be a complete douchebag...) or maybe you decide to stay home, or maybe you decide to go out with a bunch of friends who get you severely drunk and you end up humiliating yourself and soil your reputation or worse drive home drunk and kill someone or get in an accident and die or be severely injured and lose a limb (sorry that was morbid) or maybe you get severely drunk but still drive home safely and end up crashing on the couch and nothing bad happens.
A life can be lived in sooo many ways. Nobody is perfect. I am by no means a perfect person. In fact, I can easily say I've made the wrong choices 95% of the time (or looking back, I see now that they were the wrong choices, but they seemed like the choices that would get me closer to achieving the life I truly desired at the time). My choices, however, have led me to be friends with quite a few different groups of people (although do not mistake that for popularity) and on any given day when school is not in session, I get invited by at least five different groups, and I can only accept one offer. Looking back, I wonder which course or path my life would have taken had I chose one of the other four options...wouldn't my life be drastically different now...wouldn't it have led, choice by choice, to an entirely different outcome? I'm not trying to say that a single, specific choice would have changed everything (although this is very possible), but a succession of choices that would have resulted in being happy now.

Speaking of choices, this is not entirely on topic, but its semi-related. I just want to make clear that if the choice is available to you, you should always choose to make a person who has greatly influenced your life aware of how much they influenced your life. If your role model happens to be Eminem or Angelina Jolie, its totally understandable that you have not approached them in person to tell them this (although since we're on the topic of choices, its important to know that, while its a very miniscule chance, there is a possibility that a succession of choices could have somehow led up to putting you in the same place as Eminem or Angelina Jolie and at the right time, and you have the opportunity to go up to them and express your idolization). However, if the person who's unknowingly had such an incredible impact on your life goes to your school or is your co-worker, you will seriously, seriously regret letting so much time pass without telling them how you feel because one day they're going to fucking graduate or find a new job and you'll probably never see them again if you weren't friends to begin with and you just lost the only chance you had to tell them what an inspiration they were to you or how they positively changed or motivated you. This is especially true when you're interested in dating someone. Avoiding them at every potential opportunity you have to talk to them is NOT going to get the two of you together. You have to try...and eventually, if the feelings dont go away, you just have to let him/her know face to face that you're interested in them so you can find out the truth and either put the feelings to rest or begin a relationship...because trust me, a guy can be giving all the hints that he isnt interested but there's still an unsuppressable part of you that does not want to give up hope until you hear the words "I'm not interested" come out of his mouth. And even if its not someone you're romantically interested in, its so important as well when its someone your interested in as a friend or mentor. It may seem weird to just walk up to a person and say "you've really made an impact on my life and I really look up to you and respect you for what you've accomplished", but its impossible to not be flattered by something like that. And its true, the person probably won't embrace you in a massive bear hug and squeal "THATS SO SWEET AND FLATTERING LETS BE BEST FRIENDS NOW LIKE OHMYGAWDDDD", but at least they won't leave for college or for another job opportunity without you letting them know that they indirectly motivated you to be a better person in any way, shape, or form. Trust me, I've let so many opportunities in my life slip by and there are definitely a few people I can think of that I truly regret not talking to. I am disappointed and ashamed of myself for allowing a whole year to go by without letting someone I look up to know what a powerful and inspiring role model they are and how proud I am of them (though we've never spoken) that they have accomplished such an unbelievable amount of success in just high school alone and how I am 100% confident that they will go on to do more great things with their life in the years to come. It sounds like not such a big deal when you're actually seeing the person on a daily basis, like "oh, they probably hear it all the time, I wouldn't even matter, they wouldnt even remember me" but if you dont talk to them at all period, they won't remember you either. And now I'll never see the person again, and the moral of this particular long rant is that you should never, ever make the choice to not tell someone how they've influenced your life whether its romantically or inspirationally, because you will regret it. You will do many, many things in your life that you will regret. A good portion of the things you do in your life, you will probably look back on and think "why was I so stupid?" But thats nothing compared to the regret you'll have for the things you DIDN'T do, because trust me, I regret 99.9% of the things I didn't do. Please, when you have an opportunity, seize it. I really didn't intend for this entry to go so off-track, but I felt the need to really throw that out there. Because so many people you meet in your life will give you that advice: just 'go for it'. Do not ever ever ever under any circumstances brush off this advice if there's something you want to do, especially over a long period of time (such as ten months), please just go do it. I promise that the regret of not doing it will far surpass the regret of doing it, even if it goes horribly wrong. Because I'm sitting here in front of the computer a complete and total mess as the product of poor choices I made and opportunities I did not seize.

And as usual, I've gone off into a long spiel that really could have been summed up in four sentences: Fate or density does not exist; you have the power to control your future. Every single choice you make affects the next choice you make, and the next, and the next. Do not abuse this power; seize opportunities and think matters through and make things happen. And please, please, please, if anyone, ANYONE at all has ever influenced you in your life and you have not yet told them what a powerful impact they've had, TELL THEM NOW.

You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo

-Eminem

Sunday, 05 April 2009

mehhh

and to think going out with friends would actually make me feel better after one of the shittiest weeks I have ever experienced.

The red flags should have gone up after the first half hour. I was planning on not talking about Tomato the entire night (seriously, the situation is going so unbelievably bad that the entire story should be featured on a sadistic sitcom), but of course if its not me bringing him up, it's someone else (he has quite the large social network [of course, the social network does not consist of the most popular people {he plays on a varsity sports team whose members have quite a positive social following, however he never hangs out with them...not sure whether they find him too "dorky" or "nerdy" to invite, or if they actually are good teammates and invite him places but he refuses because he knows they drink and he's trying to seem 'self righteous' and avoid drinking parties...or he legitimately doesnt like drinking...}, but a social network nonetheless], a good portion of them being my friends, a few of those friends being unreasonably flirtatious with him [funny considering how ugly they used to say he was]). Hmm, that was quite the unnecessary amount of brackets. I hope I sufficiently got my point across. Anyway, if its not me talking about him, its someone bringing him up in one way or another (because nowadays my friends who don't even like him all that much are suddenly rubbing all these stories in my face about the time they spend with him), and he got brought up in the car ride to the concert yesterday. The conversation proceeded like this:

Person 1: God, Person 2, it'd be so great if your brother was gay. We need a gay friend.
Person 2: Sorry to disappoint you. Hey, do you think Tomato's gay? Because I don't, but people have been telling S (me) that to make her feel better.
Me: He's not gay.
Person 1: Yeah, he's not gay, but he definitely doesn't want you.

-_-* As if I needed that factual information verbalized. As if your supposed to tell a friend (whose feelings you supposedly care about) this in such an insulting and antagonizing manner? Of course I laughed it off, but seriously...then, fifteen minutes later...

Person 1: I need you to talk Person 4 into kissing me tonight. Here's the plan: (five minute rant edited out).
Person 2: Gee, Person 1, cant you convince him yourself?
Person 1: Why are you being so unsupportive?!
Me: You're not exactly supportive with people's guy problems either...
Person 1: Yeah but I was telling the truth before! He doesn't want you now.
Me: Did he say that?
Person 1: Yes.
Me: What, wait, when?
Person 2: Person 1 shut up don't tell her!
Person 1: Oh...just kidding.
Me: ...

Yay! Tomato is talking about me behind my back!! Along with the rest of the school!!! D:
The night proceeded safetly, meaning I averted any potential word vomit disasters (explanation: friends that are too stupid to be careful of what they say, and so they say something extremely hurtful), but then of course, later on, I wasn't so lucky...
Apparently, according to someone in my grade that Person 2 talks to, Tomato, "doesn't hate me/doesn't find me completely repulsive"...and this 'someone in my grade' knows because she can "read minds" (bullshit; it's obviously going around that I really like Tomato)...and wtf is that supposed to mean? Doesn't find me repulsive? Oh yeah, I'm not repulsed by her or anything, but then again, if I were repulsed by anybody, I would sort of need to see a doctor, right? Human beings shouldn't be repulsed by other human beings! It should only be NATURAL that Tomato isn't repulsed by me, a fellow human being! He obviously dislikes me very much, just not to the point of repulsion. Then Person 2 went on to say how "people with bad reputations, such as person 1, should leave the school".

Twenty minutes later, Person 2 suggests to me that I should leave the school.

And the sad part is, I still dont understand what I did. The sitch is, plain and simple, the following:

Two Thursdays ago, I had a sub in bio. A fucking sub. That's what started it all. We were allowed to work in groups on a lab we were assigned. I partnered up with one of my good friends, and even though it was just supposed to be in pairs, everyone was talking to everyone. For some reason, I'm labeled as smart in this bio class, even though I actually have no idea what I'm doing on the labs 99% of the time and the reason I get such good grades on the lab questions isn't because I understand it, it's because the answers to the questions are provided DIRECTLY IN THE LAB/TEXTBOOK. I copy the answers WORD FOR WORD from either the textbook or the lab sheet EVERY SINGLE TIME, and that's how I get my good grades. Apparently, though, my ability to copy answers makes me smarter than the rest of the class, so people go to me for help. Their are two people in my class, 'Misty' and 'Kelly', who I don't think particularly like me (Okay, I'm about 5000% sure they hate me. I think they regard me as unworthy of their time and attention). Misty and Kelly usually don't make conversation unless they need help with bio homework, and I would never start drama over something as ridiculous as helping with labs/homeworks, seeing as I copy the answers DIRECTLY FROM THE TEXTBOOK anyway, so even when they disregard me the rest of the time, its okay that they came over to my desk during bio that particular day for help with the lab. Unfortunately, as they we're on their way to my desk, they passed by the desk of this guy, 'Matt', who I guess they don't like either. There has always been animosity between them, but I believed it to be feigned, because they seemed so open about it and sometimes, outside of class, they would converse in a friendly manner, so I wasn't sure of their intentions towards each other. Misty remarked, as she was passing "Matt is having a bad day today" and I jokingly responded "When is Matt ever having a good day?"
Matt flipped out and told me to shut the fuck up and I THOUGHT he called me fat.
And here, my friends, is where everything went completely WRONG. Next period, we had gym class, and in the locker room, I complained to my friend 'Ashley' about what I *thought* happened and how upset I was. Misty was in the locker room too and overheard and thought that Ashley and I were talking about her. My friend Ashley is hearing impaired, and can read lips. When we leave the locker room, we see Misty telling *everyone* in our gym class that Ashley and I were talking about her. Basically, at this point, we're like "shit, we really fucked up. We have to clear up this misunderstanding." So I confronted Misty and told her the truth, and Misty felt bad for me. I thought it would end there. But isntead, Misty and Kelly texted Matt over the weekend and pretty much flipped out at him for calling me "fat", though meanwhile, I had confronted Matt and found out he never said anything to begin with. They even told Matt I hated him. In retaliation, Matt told Misty and Kelly that I "hated them and that the reason our seats are getting changed in bio is because I told on them to the teacher"? Okay, wtf. I never said/did any of this shit. So pretty much Misty, Kelly, and their social network hates me and Ashley now. Apparently, according to Ashley, she sat down at their table and they all "got up and left". I wasn't there to witness this, but I believe it. They're writing nasty things about us on facebook, calling us "assholes" and "tattle tales" when we never did anything whatsoever. They said something mean about Ashley that she found out about and is really hurt by. On top of that, another friend of mine got involved unneccesarily about the mean thing that was said about Ashley, thinking she was "helping the situation", when really she made it extremely worse because she confronted Misty's best friend about it and now her best friend went back to Misty and told her everything and Misty thinks I'm the one who told Ashley what was said about her (wow that was a confusing sentence, but yeahhh). And now I can't go ANYWHERE without someone telling me to "leave the room, their whole group is glaring at you" or saying "EVERYONE's talking about you" (I dont even know everyone!). And I know its Spring Break, and things should "blow over", but I really dont think they're going to end well for me, because nothing ends well for me.

Can someone please tell me where I went wrong? I don't think I really hurt anyone in the above situation, but me and Ashley are certainly experiencing a lot of shit for the whole thing (me, mostly, but people feel much worse for Ashley because she's hearing impaired. Never mind how much trauma I've experienced in my life. People couldn't give a shit about what family members have died/how horrible your old school was/yadda yadda yadda if you don't have a physical disability. Somehow it's beyond sinful to be mean to someone with a handicap, but when someone loses their sister/was pretty much forced out of their old school/can't cope in their current school, it's still okay to treat them like shit. Well, people shouldn't be mean to each other in general).

On top of that, there's the Tomato issue, and then apparently a group of sophomores was staring me down in the lunchroom one day? (thanks to my wonderful "friends" for noticing this and pointing this out; its exactly what I needed to hear this week.) Oh, yes, and apparently people still talk about me in my old school too (thanks to another wonderful friend for pointing that out), and hooray for yet another wonderful friend who said she would hang out with me tomorrow and then cancelled on me because she's going to a party, after she said she would "take me to the next party she went to".

I'm starting to wonder if I should even bother leaving the house/keeping my phone on/going on facebook/etc. I sort of want to lock myself up in my room where it's safe. Geez, what more bad news could I possibly recieve?

...maybe I shouldn't even ask that question...*contemplates killing phone, computer, and self*

Saturday, 04 April 2009

I've definitely hit a new low.
I cannot find the words to express how bad of a situation I am in. Without being dramatic, I can easily say that my situation is fucked up to an extent beyond anything my peers have ever experienced, witnessed, or can even conceive as a possiblity. My life is so unbelievably bad that I cannot find consolation, hope, or strength in myself or the people around me; some of whom have also acknowledged my situation as completely hopeless. I can say the cliche "I have nothing to live for", and recieve extreme backlash about how I sound "desperate to be emo", but there is truly no other way to put it. There is not a single light in my life. There is nothing that keeps me waking up each morning besides the fact that if I do not get out of bed today, I will eventually have to get out of bed the next day, unless I discover a painless way to commit suicide (please, dear federal government; make euthanasia legal). It has been five, long, miserable, lonely years in an obstacle-strewn rut. I have reached a point where shrinks are absolutely speechless and have no idea how to help me as everything they've tried has failed and I'm much worse. I cannot live "day by day" anymore. I'm sick of being told to take each day as it comes. I have been doing that, doctor, for the past 1,825 days, and this philosophy is no longer applicable to my life, and it is apparent is has done nothing to help my situation due to the evidence that my life is getting worse. The whiny teenager in me wants to make this a whiny, curse-filled blog entry about how I hate the world and everyone in it, but I really don't "hate" anything. I have no energy whatsoever in me to hate, or to even argue or curse or scream. You know you've reached the bottom of a bottomless pit (yes, an oxymoron, please take that into consideration) when you can't even hate the people causing you pain. Your mind is too exhausted to produce anger or loathing. This week has exhausted me particularly in several ways. After a while in the same place, I always find myself stuck and unable to progress. Because of my stress over not progressing, I believe I de-progress (hopefully that is a word). I jump everytime I hear the phone ring; my heart beats 1000 miles a second when I recieve a text message. Of course, no longer do I hope it's Tomato calling/texting. That hope has long since escaped (though try telling my heart that, my mind knows much better, but my heart is quite the masochist). No, I jump for fear that someone else will bear me the news of yet another drama that I seem to be unaware that I was even part of (for they've been doing this every night this week; I seem to be quite a fun issue to discuss...I wonder why people must always use me as their punching bags. See, I am a bit pudgy, and it must be fun to punch me, but there are pudgier people who I'm sure will be much more beneficial to punch. People with big noses are also fun to punch in the face. Not that I know from experience). Drama makes me sad, I guess. I'm not a big fan of drama. There are really more important issues in life to discuss or stress over than drama. Unfortunately, my life is so dead end, that stupid, childish, high school drama is enough to push me over the edge. It's hard when your life is miserable as it is, and people glare at you anyway when you enter a cafeteria, but now they seem to have formulated a reason to glare at you? Oh please, tell me that's just the way their faces look...you know, all 50 of them....
Sometimes I think my life should be a sitcom. I walk into the cafeteria, and immediately, someone approaches me "I think you better leave. Everyone is staring you down and talking about you. Don't make eye contact."
Yay! I have to lug around my 5000 pound bag and find somewhere else to stay during my free. Maybe I should put that shit in my locker...
Oh hmm is that one of your good friends over there? One of the only people you can trust? Surely, she'll know what to do. I'll go over to talk to her. Of course, 5 minutes into the convo, Tomato shows up. And of course, I, out of politeness (and desire to hopefully strike up a conversation? Maybe one day? Or not...) say "Hey Tomato!"
After all, maybe he's just been busy. Extremely busy. As in "I can't call/text a person for five months I'm sooo busy." Yeah, because there is actually a such thing as being that busy. I mean, seriously, it doesn't matter how much you like a person. If you are busy, you can totally avoid them for months by ignoring their texts messages and not waving to them in school and they'll probably still like you! hahaha. (dripping with sarcasm)
He dismisses me. Nope, it wasn't a wave with his hand. A wave is a hand motion that is often at head-level, and moves in a side to side direction. A dismissal with the hand is a flick of the wrist. He doesn't even so much as look in my direction, and begins an epic conversation with my friend.
Oh lord. Maybe I should just continue on my way to my locker. Not everyone can hate me, right? I mean, seriously, I left my last school for that reason, and if I keep leaving schools because I think people hate me, I must have a perception problem, or there must be something wrong with me, right? Me, who's never uttered a bad word about anybody, who's only spend their life pretty much worshipping the ground everyone else walks on. Me, who's always the first to offer up the homework if you forgot to do it, the shoulder to cry on if you need someone to talk to, the ride to school if your parents can't drive you today, the extra few bucks when you can't afford what you want, the congratulatory high-five and hug when you've accomplished something I've always wanted to achieve (and hiding my insanely jealous feelings), the open house when you need a place to stay, the friend that's there when everyone else deserts you, the one who compliments the parts of you that you feel insecure about...
Oh, I'm most definitely an evil person. There must be something very wrong with me.
Great. A text message (heart beats about 5000 miles a second). What sort of wonderful things am I going to hear about now?
"Guess what! There's stuff written about you on people's facebook walls!"
Yay!!!! Everyone's hatred of me has been brought to a social networking site!!! Oh, how I love when this type of shit goes public.
"Ahh, do I want to know what they're saying?"
"They're calling you an asshole for yadda yadda yadda....(this is where the list of shit I didn't do goes on and on. My friends, I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but not delusions. I am aware that 100% of the stuff that people are blaming me for are things that I did not do. People are literally making up lies that I said shit about other people when I didn't say anything just so they have something to talk about. If I had said shit, then I would deserve this, and my life wouldn't exactly be miserable because I'd get my kicks out of making other people's lives miserable).
"Ahhh, but I confronted all these people already and told them none of it was true!"
"Yes, but then they went to other people and told these people that you hated them. So now more people hate you."
Wtf. This is worse than my old school.
"I dont have a problem with anybody. I like everyone."
(Pshhh, I hate everyone. Well, nah, dislike is more the word. I am too exhausted to hate/too exhausted to have strong feelings for anything.)
"Well, what should I do? Want me to confront these people for you? Huh? Huh?"
First of all, darling, please fall back. This is my problem, and its obvious you want to get involved for your own personal gain; trying to play the "peacemaker" makes you look good, and of course makes me look bad, because I seem like I'm too much of a coward to deal with the situation myself.
"No thanks. I got it."
Yay!!! I just averted a potential disaster!!
*next day*
"Hey I confronted someone for you!!"
-_-
(Yes, this is how my life has been progressing for the past week and two days. You know how much I adore repetition. Five years of the same shit/depression; you know I dig that stuff.)
And hooray for being one of maybe three girls in my grade to have never had a boyfriend/been asked out and to have a grand total of one guy friend!! Hooray for one of those girls being mentally challenged. Wooo...
And yes, I am only one of three. Even J has a boyfriend and her face looks like a vagina.
Wooooot. This is sad. Imma be a sad old cat lady. I heard about some creepy cat lady who fucked her cats once. On second thought, if I'm gonna be a sad old anything, it won't be a cat lady. Imma be a sad old snake lady. I never heard of anyone trying to fuck their pet snake.
I'm also really tired. Maybe if I finally get some sleep, which I havent gotten for a while, I can come up with more retarded metaphors and maybe find the energy to hate people again and write a scathing blog about how much people suck??
Oh yeah, 'cause writing something like that will definitely get me a ton of friends... -_-